God Bless The Dead

When I was initially thinking about this post, I thought I might make it the first in a new series. I thought I might call it something like "Controversial And Bizarre Religious Practices: Part One", or "Really Weird Shit People Do In The Name Of Spiritual Salvation: The First Chapter".
The problem is, I'm too noncommittal for that sort of thing. I don't want to be locked into promising anything about tomorrow. I don't want to pull a George Lucas, and just decide at the last minute that I'm not going to finish what I started. Be that as it may, I do have a religious ritual I'd like to write about today---the fascinating concept of baptism by proxy.

Baptism by proxy is practiced by Mormons, aka members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Don't worry---I'm not trying to single out this particular religion, even though it's ripe with child abuse, sexism, polygamy and suits my definition of an organized cult. I'm critical, jaded and nihilistic in general, so no personal offense intended towards Mormons (or the people who love them).

Now that I've gotten that lengthy disclaimer out of the way, I feel better about telling you that I think baptism by proxy is total bullshit. The basic premise is that a living Mormon can step in for a dead person, so that they can be posthumously baptized, and subsequently achieve salvation. When this tradition first began, it was believed that a person could only step in for a deceased relative. However, the Mormons started expanding on this concept, and started baptizing all kinds of different people by proxy, including a number of celebrities. In one of Russ Kick's books, The Disinformation Book of Lists, he mentions a number of famous people who the Latter-day Saints have baptized long after they were six feet under. Examples include Napoleon, Christopher Columbus, Abraham Lincoln, Paul Revere, Leo Tolstoy, Joan of Arc, Anne Frank, Dwight Eisenhower, Albert Einstein, William Shakespeare, Sigmund Freud, and all the signers of the Declaration of Independence. More info on the book here: http://www.disinfo.com/site/displayarticle3074.html

Perhaps the most controversial baptisms have been those of numerous Jews who died in the Holocaust. Many Jewish people view these practices as offensive and intolerant, particularly because many Jews were forced to undergo involuntary baptisms in Europe during the Middle Ages. The Mormon Church has repeatedly promised to cease and desist, but the government has had to intervene, and every so often they are exposed for continuing to engage in these practices. Read more here: http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=661603 and here: http://www.jewishgen.org/InfoFiles/ldsagree.html.

So let me get this straight...I can keep smoking weed, cussing, having sex outside of marriage, and a Mormon can still save my wretched soul after I die? Maybe there's some validity to this whole thing after all---seems like something I should explore. I'm pretty sure that there is only about three degrees of separation between myself and some Mormon chick in a neighboring county. I really need to contact her, considering the way I've been living and all.

The main reason I wanted to expose this practice is because it truly offends my "live and let live" philosophy....or in this case, "live and let die". People who self-righteously force their belief systems on others are the very people who are destroying the world we live in today. Fuck that...

Speaking of those who've departed this earth for the spirit world, the lead singer of the Chi-Lites died several days ago. Eugene Record fronted the band that brought us classic songs such as "Oh Girl" and "Have You Seen Her?". He died of cancer last Friday at the age of 64: http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/07/25/obit.record.ap/?section=cnn_showbiz.

So what's the story with the photo of the legendary Sly Stone? You were probably thinking that I posted his image because he's a crazed Mormon or something, didn't you? Actually, he's up there because a tribute album is being planned for release this September, in celebration of the funkalicious goodness that was ( and still is) Sly and the Family Stone. This makes me feel nervous and anticipatory at the same time. Some of the artists who will be on the album are John Legend, The Roots, Joss Stone, will.i.am, John Mayer,D'Angelo, Chuck D, Big Boi, Isaac Hayes, Big Boi, Janet Jackson, Buddy Guy, Maroon 5, and Nappy Roots. Info about the project, and complete track listing here: http://hiphoprnbsoul.com/web/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=704&Itemid=72. More about Sly here: http://www.slystonemusic.com/.

There's A War Going On Outside No Man Is Safe From

As the heat index rises, so does the tendency for human aggression. In other words, it seems that most of us are pretty irritable and pissed off when it's really hot outside. In the hip hop world, this summer has produced its fair share of beef amongst various artists---an intense mixture of genuine conflict and industry-generated media hype. Here are a few very recent examples:

Nas has a new track dissing 50 Cent. If you haven't copped it yet, it's still available on Soul Sides: http://soul-sides.com/. I find myself really diggin' the overall sound, but as O. Wang points out, the lyrical darts Nas throws on this track are relatively dull in comparison to the somewhat sharper battle skills he displayed on "Ether".

Mos Def performed at the Hollywood Bowl last Sunday night in the third of six concerts planned for KCRW's World Festival 2005 series. The MC finalized his set by doing a song he dedicated to Voletta Wallace and Afeni Shakur (if you don't know, I'm not telling you). Much to everyone's surprise, Mos stepped out to the front of the stage during the performance, shouting, "Tell them who shot my man, Suge. Who shot Biggie, Pac and Jam Master Jay?". After repeating his question several times, Mr. Def reportedly stated, "We fear nothing". I have the utmost respect for his courage in challenging Suge Knight----but truthfully, even if he isn't afraid, I'm still kinda scared for him. Read more here: http://www.dailybreeze.com/today/articles/1734242.html.

Rosie O' Donnell supposedly has beef with her neighbor, P. Diddy. On her website, Rosie complained that Diddy's cacophonous 4th of July celebration frightened her children and made them cry.

After viewing a video by Young Jeezy on 106 & Park, DMX referred to the rapper as "Young Cheezy". As usual, no one's sure if he was serious, or just confused.

The Game allegedly spit on a fan during a recent show in the UK. He supposedly became angry when the kid started yelling "50 Cent" and "G-Unit" during his performance.

More information about these stories here: http://www.sohh.com/thewire/read.php?contentID=7362.

On a different note, if you are a fan of old school R n'B and soul music, you might want to check out Jaymack. He has beatdowns and beatmixes of blended classics available for free download, and they're actually rather impressive. For those of you who are familiar with Cosmo Baker's recent effort, Love Break, Jaymack's mixes are in a somewhat similar vein (just slightly more amateuristic). Download Jaymack mp3s here: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/7/jaymack_music.htm. If you've been napping through Cosmo's entire career, you can finally see the light here: http://www.cosmobaker.com/.

Until next time.....don't get too heated.

Head On Straight, Mask On Crooked

I honestly had no intention of writing about DangerDoom (MF Doom + Danger Mouse+ concepts based on Adult Swim cartoons) now, or at any point in the future. Many of the blogs I read have been talking about this project for quite a while, so doing my own post about the project seemed sort of unnecessarily redundant. Yesterday, however, I happened upon a few tracks from the upcoming album that I hadn't heard yet. Being the generous soul that I am, I thought I'd make sure that my readers had an opportunity to check these out while they're available. There is no way in hell that I am even going to attempt to review these songs for you, though, as I am positive that I couldn't possibly offer anything in the way of an unbiased or objective critique. The truth is, I'm an incredibly loyal MF Doom fan. I will (reluctantly) admit that a couple of his efforts have been somewhat disappointing in comparison to his finest creations, but so far, my admiration remains pretty much undeterred. Therefore, you'll have to make your own educated decision on this one, and I promise not to intervene in the slightest...(but you really should check these out, or I'll cut you).

Links to some mp3s you can download:

We Eat So Many Shrimp posted "The Mask", featuring Ghostface Killah: http://www.somanyshrimp.com/.

Checkerboard Chimes is offering 2 of the tracks: "Old School" w/ Talib Kweli and "Space Ho's": http://checkerboardchimes.blogspot.com/.

At Razorblade Runner, you will find "Crosshairs". Link to the right.

Scenestars has "Bizzy Box" w/ Cee-Lo Green: http://www.scenestars.net/.

More info about DangerDoom here: http://www.dangerdoom.com/ and/or here: http://www.hiphopdx.com/index/news/id.3391

And by the way---if you happen to like this shit, it would only be right to cough up the twenty bucks when it drops...otherwise, you'll burn in Hell for being a damn cheapskate.

Strange Days Indeed

Isn't this picture fabulous? I mean, things were so much better for Michael back when this photograph was taken. He hadn't become an ugly white chick yet, and E.T. is ever-so-much sexier than Debbie Rowe could ever hope to be...

As uniquely bizarre as he is, The Gloved One is apparently not the only celebrity to have close ties with the alien world. According to Michael Luckman, author of the new book Alien Rock, there are quite a few famous musicians who have reported being contacted by aliens and/or spotting UFOs. Jerry Garcia, Sammy Hagar and Ace Frehley of KISS have all had the pleasure of meeting an extraterrestrial. John Lennon, David Bowie, Jimi Hendrix, Mick Jagger, Sting, Marilyn Manson, and a host of others claim they have seen a UFO. The title of today's post is actually a lyric from Lennon's song "Nobody Told Me", which touched on this very topic ("everybody's flying and never touch the sky/ there's UFOs over in New York and I ain't too surprised).

Luckman's most fascinating assertion is that Elvis Presley believed that he was from "a blue star planet". Supposedly, Elvis fancied himself to be rather skilled at levitating household items, particularly ashtrays. This sounds pretty unbelievable, but if Elvis was an alien, that could explain a few things. It could help us to understand his daughter's seemingly inexplicable attraction and subsequent close encounter with Michael Jackson's kind. It also might help me forgive him for those tacky-ass shiny suits. The shitty part is that this means beings from other planets could be just as bloated, sweaty and obnoxious as most of the people here.

Interestingly, Luckman eventually settles upon the conclusion that "UFOs are drawn by music". I think some serious drug action is a more likely common denominator, but once again--what the hell do I know?

Read a book review for Alien Rock here: http://www.simonsays.com/content/content.cfm?sid=33&pid=507644.

See another strange site that indexes celebrities who've seen UFOs: http://www.ufoevidence.org/documents/doc1745.htm

Great Intellects Are Skeptical

Ever since Dubya became president the first damn time, there has been speculation in some circles that he could potentially be the Antichrist. Many have suggested it, but no one in the world takes this claim more seriously than R. Stephen Hanchett. On his webpage, aptly titled Bush Is The Antichrist, he presents quite an ambitious list of arguments in favor of his assertion. He utilizes the power of mathematical equations, biblical quotations and really bad music to fuel his theory. In addition to this, he painstakingly spells out the connections he has traced between Bush, Nero, Judas, and Herod. Probably the best part is that Hanchett posts samples of the e-mails he receives, along with his rather amusing replies. His ideas really seem to strike a nerve with the Zombies for Bush. After reading several of these comments, I've concluded that Hanchett is certifiably insane, and the Bushies are an angry lot who truly don't know how to spell. See it here with your own eyes: http://www.bushisantichrist.com/

If Bush isn't the Antichrist, is it possible that he's God? One can only hope that your answer to this question was a resounding no! However, if you really want to explore this possibility, I can't stop you----go check out the Bush is Lord website: http://www.bushislord.com/index.php. Actually, this site is 100% satirical, and has some very sarcastic, yet nicely understated Bush humor that I thoroughly appreciate.

Speaking of people with a God Complex, P. Diddy is allegedly changing his name once again. Too bad he can call himself whatever the fuck he wants, and Bad Boy still sucks: http://ehiphop.org/community/article120.html.

M1 from dead prez recently did an interview discussing Assata Shakur's case: http://news.ncmonline.com/news/view_article.html?article_id=72c689c3b806ef7f3dc0a93f9134c450. A couple of months ago, Mos Def also wrote a commentary in support of Shakur, criticizing the government's labeling of her as a "domestic terrorist": http://news.ncmonline.com/news/view_article.html?article_id=83b5d162037a65930cc2b3a407dd0083.

Finally, you don't have to shed any more tears over America's favorite Caucasian rapper. Eminem is back in the game----and apparently he never really left. Shady says that he only intends to take a brief hiatus, but promises that Encore will not be his last album: http://www.shadybase.com/news.php?article=935. This was nothing more than a half-assed publicity stunt if you ask me---the Shady/Aftermath camp really seems to enjoy these media-hyped ploys for attention. And people said Jigga came out of retirement too quickly...

Psyonically Bionically Forget How You Feel

I'm kind of relieved that I had already decided to just do some mp3 links today. The thermostat in here reads 98 degrees, which is too damn hot and just so happens to also be the name of a very shitty band. My air conditioner is fucked beyond repair, and the smack-freak in the apartment downstairs just overdosed for the third time this week. Ho hum. Needless to say, my environment is taking quite a toll on my creative process. For today, I hope it will suffice if I just link you to some sounds that might help drown out some of the annoyances in your immediate environment:

At Fifteen Minutes To Listen, you can download "Serious", a decent track by Nas and AZ. In addition to that, they are also featuring Sean Price and Count Bass D mp3s, and a link to Common's video for "Go". If your tastes are along completely different lines, they are also offering mp3s by David Bowie and Iron Butterfly: http://15minutestolisten.blogspot.com/

Can I Bring My Gat? is offering some mixes by a British producer named Dobie. Even though you've probably never heard of him, it's a good time to wake up: http://www.abitnice.com/canibringmygat/.

I sincerely hope that you're already hip to Dan the Automator's work, but if you need a crash course (or a refresher), Freemotion has quite a few of his mp3s up right now. Many of the tracks are from his solo efforts, but his projects with other artists (Handsome Boy Modeling School, Deltron 3030, Nathaniel Merriweather, Dr. Octagon) are equally represented. Link to Freemotion on your right.

Diplo is one of the hottest up-and-coming producers happening right now. You can cop a few very diverse joints of his at The Low End Theory: http://thelowendtheory.blogspot.com//.

Go visit my friend Treat and download those Danja Mawf mp3s (I especially like the song "Question"). While you're there, take a minute to read some of his posts. The man is intelligent and has good taste in music: http://www.havas42.com/.

This should keep you busy for a while, but I do have one more suggestion that I don't want to overlook. Captain's Crate is currently featuring Merry Clayton's version of Neil Young's classic song "Southern Man". Clayton is a funky lil' songstress from New Orleans, and you can trust that her flavorful rendition is not to be missed: http://bywayof.net/captains_crate.html.

Reality Is A Crutch For People Who Can't Cope With Drugs

Wasn't it generous of the Good Time Party Squad to take a moment away from terrorizing Courtney Love, DMX and Rush Limbaugh to pose for this dysfunctional family photo? While these friendly little characters are rather commonplace in everyday society, we've all known someone who gets high (or at least altered) by doing something pretty strange. I used to have a neighbor who would drink just enough Drano to get "a little fuzzy". Then there was the secretary in intermediate school who I once caught sniffing white-out on the playground. Come to think of it, I can actually think of quite a few examples. However, I probably shouldn't reveal any more----I can't afford to be liable for any potential mishaps amongst my less intelligent readers.

Hmmm.....okay....okay.... you talked me into it. I will tell you about one more really weird way to get high. Just promise that you won't try this at home...or even at your dumb-ass friend's house.

So here's the story. Around 1962, some Dutch guy named Bart Hughes began developing higher consciousness theories. He had started doing marijuana, mescaline and LSD a few years prior, and literally became addicted to finding the mechanisms at work during drug-induced experiences. Through his experimentation (which often involved standing on his head for long periods of time to catch a buzz), he stumbled upon the ultimate way to stay high permanently: trepanation. For those of you who are blissfully unaware, trepanation is a procedure that's been done since ancient times, and involves a hole being bored into the skull of a patient. The reasons for doing this operation have varied widely throughout history. The "surgery" has commonly been used to let out demons, relieve pressure in the brain cavity, alter personality, etc. Hughes was seemingly the first person, however, to record his hypothesis about the procedure's potential for inducing a never-ending high. He was apparently quite anxious to test his theory, but to his dismay, he could not find a surgeon to aid him in his quest. Eventually he grew tired of waiting, and bought a dental drill to do the job himself. Afterwards, as he prophetically predicted, he was permanently fucked up.

As frighteningly typical as this sounds, Hughes actually had a handful of disciples. One of them was Joseph Mellen, an English attorney who was also an accomplished poet. Mellen wrote a book entitled Bore Hole, which he described as "the story of how I came to drill a hole in my skull to get permanently high". A second convert, Amanda Fielding, was present when Mellen attempted to carve out his third eye with a metal spike. When his first attempt failed, Fielding assisted him with the operation. Mellen reported a sense of well-being afterwards, but still made a final attempt with a drill to maximize the results.

Not surprisingly, Amanda Fielding eventually followed suit. Taking the process a step further, she documented her surgery on film in the cinematic classic Heartbeat in the Brain. She later crusaded for trepanation rights, firm in her belief that it should be legal to have the surgery performed by a professional doctor in a medical setting. At one point, she was scheduled to be interviewed on 60 Minutes, but the show was never aired due to fear of the public's reaction. As far as I know, Fielding doesn't do much in the way of media promotion these days. She and Joseph Mellen got married (in hole-y matrimony) and had 2 1/2 kids and a white picket fence. Their research has been largely ignored by the mainstream scientific community, and therefore has never been definitively confirmed nor denied.

But here's my particular spin on the subject----no matter what, is there any way you could be more pathetically desperate to get high than to put a fucking gigantic hole in your head? If anyone can think of a more absurd way to get stoned into infinity, I'd truly love to hear it.

In case you'd like to be somewhat of an expert on this subject, here is some very informative linkage:http://www.ambient.ca/bodmod/hole.html

Sometimes Your Words Just Hypnotize Me

This photo is from one of my favorite movie scenes of all time---RZA, GZA and Bill Murray's oddly brilliant segment in Jim Jaramusch's film Coffee and Cigarettes. If you're interested in what RZA has been up to lately, here is a link to a recent interview with Tavis Smiley: http://www.pbs.org/kcet/tavissmiley/archive/200506/20050616_transcript.html#2. RZA mainly talks about his forthcoming projects in film, the current state of the hip hop industry, and his book (The Wu-Tang Manual). You can read for yourself, though, to find out the story on "Toon Time with RZA".

There's a movie currently in the works about the life of Christopher Wallace (aka the Notorios B.I.G.). Cheo Hodari Coker was the last person to interview Biggie before he was murdered, and has been granted the honor of writing the screenplay for the film. Coker also authored a biography of Big Poppa called Unbelievable: The Life, Death and Afterlife of the Notorious B.I.G., but the movie will not be based on the book. Instead, Coker is planning to depict Wallace's life story based on personal accounts by his family and close friends. Voletta Wallace will act as producer, and Antoine Fuqua (Training Day) is scheduled to direct. Start praying now that P. Diddy won't be allowed to produce the soundtrack. More info here: http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/movies/article.adp?id=20050720043009990006.

Finally, Science Magazine has published the 125 most important questions facing scientific research in the next quarter-century. After reading this list, I found that some of these queries are pretty damn important...i.e. "how can we replace cheap oil...and when?". However, some of the other questions plaguing scientists don't quite seem as critical to me. Are we really pressed to find out if a Hodge cycle can be written as a sum of algebraic cycles? I'm not a scientific expert though (are you surprised?), so maybe I'm too uneducated to value the significance of that information. All I remember about my primary education in science was poking the girl in front of me with my No. 2 pencil, so please forgive my ignorance. Peep Science's list here: http://www.sciencemag.org/sciext/125th/.

I've Got The Brains, You've Got the Looks

In my not-so-humble opinion, this is one of the more slept-on albums of the 21st century. The Majesticons are the funky brainchild of Mike Ladd, who happens to be more eccentric and intelligent than most other Earthlings you will encounter in your lifetime. As a result, he is often underappreciated and/or misunderstood (can you relate?). There is only a very marginalized space in the hip hop industry for an artist like Ladd, who deals more in ethereal abstracts than the formulaic predictability favored by the corporate music machine. For me, words can't properly define the experience of hearing Ladd's music. Plenty of pretentious audiophiles have attempted to describe and review his work, but I've never seen my particular vision of his artistry reflected in another writer's depiction. Anything I could say would probably just mislead you, so if you're interested, you can cop a free mp3 of the track "Brains Party" at MP3 4U: http://www.mp34u.com/index.php. Just in case you become Mike Ladd's 15th fan or whatever (that sounds about right), here's a link where you can listen to this entire album, and read some additional material about him and the concept behind The Majesticons project: http://www.bigdada.com/release.php?id=653.

Since we're already somewhat on the subject of weirdness, did you know scientists are feverishly working on producing artificial meat as a plausible substitute for poultry, fish, pork and beef? There are countless reasons why phony meat could be the wave of the future, but there's something REALLY unappetizing about this whole idea: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8498629/#storyContinued

Are you ever confused about where you stand on certain political issues? Even if you hold strong values and beliefs, are you sure which political party most strongly represents what's important to you? Political Compass may be able to help you figure it all out. After answering a series of questions, you learn your chart position in the political scheme of things. You can also see the placement of other people on the chart (mostly world leaders) relative to yourself. Click here to take the exam: http://www.politicalcompass.org/.

Lastly, there is a site called Zefrank that has a number of games and interactive activities you can screw with when you're mind-numbingly bored. Most of them are pretty dumb, except for the one where you can make virtual flowers. I'm guessing that most of you are too thugged out to even consider making flowers, but have no fear. It's been unscientifically proven that engaging in this exercise will not make you stupid OR gay. Being in a drug or alcohol-induced state may make it a whole lot more impressive though---trust me. Make yo mama a purdy flower here: http://www.zefrank.com/flowers/.

How Will You Spend Eternity---Smoking or Non-Smoking?

Today I was wandering aimlessly around the internet, and I ended up finding a really weird site about dead rock stars. There are 321 musicians listed, all of whom died earlier than their projected expiration date. According to the calculations done on this site, the average American lives 75.8 years, while rock stars (on this particular list) only lived an average of 36.9 years. The usefulness of this data is suspect for a couple of reasons. In the first place, all of the musicians listed died in 1997 or before, so the information isn't very up-to-date. Secondly, this site has a serious fundamentalist religious agenda. You see, the point they're trying to make with this statistical nonsense is that rock stars are all evil bastards, destined to burn in the fiery depths of hell. The top of the page contains an ominous quote from Proverbs: "The fear of the Lord prolongeth days, but the years of the wicked shall be shortened". I guess these idiots failed to realize that not only rock stars die young---so do children with diseases, and countless other innocent people every day.

Anyway, they have a whole series of Bible verses that they believe can justify their claims---and then you, the reader, have to make the ultimate choice. You must decide between Life and Death. I, of course, tried both options. Depending on my mood, I can go either way. If you choose Life, it tells you how to get saved. If you choose Death, you are told that you're rejecting Jesus. You get one final chance to redeem yourself and choose Life----if you don't, you go to Hell. Seriously. Follow the pathway of the wretched yourself, and just see what happens: http://www.av1611.org/rockdead.html

This religious propagada is made possible by Dial-the-Truth Ministries, whose history and mission are also explained on the site. Apparently, the founders of this ministry realized that they didn't know where to find the people most in need of conversion---you know, like satanists and gay people. They decided that even though they couldn't possibly talk to certain kinds of sinners face-to-face, they could still redeem their souls by generating a phone number people could call to hear a message of salvation. It's not toll-free though---you've gotta pay up if you want Jesus to reach out and touch you.

Ugh---this kind of bullshit is what totally sucks about organized religion, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, this sort of has the opposite effect on me than what they intended. If what they say is true, then the illest live show ever is happening in Hell. You'll never meet Tupac, Biggie, or Jam Master Jay if you stay on the straight and narrow, but you might get to see Bob Hope. Great.

Both Eminem and Shock G announced plans to retire this week. Someone must have hipped them to this website....and now, quitting the game is the only possible way they can see to save their wicked souls. Read about Em's retirement here: http://www.billboard.com/bb/daily/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1000980248, and Shock G's here:http://www.thuglifearmy.com/news/?id=1655.

Giving Peter An Air Of Prickitude: The Sequel

When I wrote the original post on Durex's dickorations, I promised to be back another day with some historical background information on this phenomenon. I can't explain why today is that day...it just is. So here you go:

Upon doing hours of tedious research on penis costumes, I have learned that the genesis of this idea comes from Japanese culture, and more specifically, from the ancient art of kokigami. In a nutshell (pun intended), kokigami is the practice of dressing up and adorning the penis so that it might be presented as a gift to one's lover. Depending on who you ask, the concept either evolved from origami (art of paper folding), or kirigami (cut art). Either way, these paper penis outfits ( called kokis) appear to date back as early as the 8th century in Japan. Initially, only aristocrats practiced the art, due to the hefty pricetag on paper. By the late 18th century, the price of paper had dropped, and even the poor dudes could afford to get their swag on with some fly-ass duds for Jimmy.

So why the hell do people practice this "art"? Apparently, it allows the male to channel his penile energy into the creative exploration of different characters and ideas. It is also supposed to relax the female partner by lightening the mood during sex (nothing eases tension like ridiculous dickwear). Can you imagine losing your virginity to the man in the photo above? Hopefully, he dresses his penis with something super-friendly---like maybe a bunny rabbit.

Burton Silver and Heather Busch (?????) have written a book on this subject---Kokigami: Performance Enhancing Adornments for the Adventurous Man. You can learn more about the history of kokigami, and have a variety of cool penis customes to cut out, depending on your mood. Some of my personal favorites are "the flashy sports car", "the expectant pig", "the slobbering dog", and 'the exploratory space shuttle". You can purchase the book and/or read more here: http://www.kokigami.com/roots/origins.html

The authors seem convinced that this whole thing might just catch on in the West. It's possible, but I think the Japanese are even more obsessed with dick than people in our culture. If you doubt this, take a moment to view some photos from Japan's Penis Festival: http://ehacked.com/front_page/articles/japans_penis_festival/.

So the Ying Yang Twins have that dumb-ass joint "Wait (The Whisper Song)". Who the hell told these cats that ANYBODY wants to see their genitals? I hate to tell them, but if kokigami catches on over here, they're going to have to step their game up quite significantly. If they want to hype everyone about seeing their damn penises, they'd better slap a pretty impressive koki on that bitch or something. The bar has been raised, son.

It Takes More Than A Magazine To Kill My Vibe

Okay---so nothing political, head-scratching, or bizarre for today. The weekend is here, and it's hotter than Hell. Now would be a good time to put your brain on freeze and just kick back with some chillin' music. If you're feeling bored with everything you've already been listening to, here are a few suggestions for your ultimate listening pleasure:

As you may have heard, J-Live will be soon be dropping his new shit, The Hear After. Freemotion has a few of the tracks for you to preview (find them in the links section). So far, most of the tracks I've heard from this album have been a bit disappointing in relative terms to his previous efforts. Thankfully, my man Treat Williams posted some other stuff by J, which you may find a bit more gratifying. See Treat here: http://www.havas42.com/.

Most people have heard Kanye West's new song "Diamonds", but if you've never heard the Shirley Bassey song that it samples, you can cop that mp3 at Stylus right now: http://www.stylusmagazine.com/ipod/. If you've been living in the foothills of Africa, and have somehow escaped hearing Kanye's version, you can find it at Breath of Life: http://www.kalamu.com/bol/. The title of today's post is derived from Kanye's lyrics in the song, which makes reference to his infamous feud with Vibe magazine. I respect Kanye, but dude is clearly bipolar. Last month he spontaneously recovered from his bruised ego, and did a cover story for Vibe with Common and John Legend. Talented, yet completely riddled with neuroses...

Last (but not least), The Number One Songs In Heaven has "Superfly 1990 (Mantronix remix)" by Curtis Mayfield and Ice-T available for download: http://www.londonlee.com/blog.html.

Hopefully this will be enough to placate you savages for a moment or two...

Casting A Shadow Of Doubt On Recent Jesus Sighting

So last Wednesday, a woman in East Chicago, Indiana saw the shadow of Jesus on the side of a tree. Since then, more than 250 people have come to behold this unearthly sight. On Friday night, several people were arrested when a huge fight broke out amongst the tree's visitors. As a result of this incident (as well as other problems such as blocked traffic), city officials and local police have become very concerned about the volume of people who are congregating in the area. Since the image of Christ is only visible at night when a nearby streetlight is illuminated, the powers-that-be had no choice but to turn off the "Jesus light". Now don't get me wrong--I have much respect for people's religious beliefs, no matter how misguided or bizarre. As long as you don't try to convert me to your way of thinking, we're still friends. However, I have to say, I think this shit right here is inexcusably insane.

I remember seeing an article when I was a kid about some lady in a trailer who swore Jesus was on the side of her Frigidaire. So what in heaven would possess Jesus to project his image onto the side of some redneck's fridge? That disturbed me then, and I guess it still does. And why is he now hanging out on the side of a tree? Don't you think Jesus would be pretty sick of the whole wood thing by now? He spent years laboring as a carpenter, was crucified...isn't that enough reason to be a little phobic about trees?

Since this is a shadow we're talking about, are we sure that it isn't like Axl Rose or something instead? It might even be one of the dudes from Metallica...one can't say for sure. I wouldn't even be surprised if a Jesus hand puppet was somehow involved. No matter what the explanation is, these people need to get their shit together. I'm sure that Jesus would be just thrilled that people are beating the hell out of each other in front of his shadow.

Ever since my last post, I've been contemplating whether or not there are any books that I consider harmful. The one thing that came to mind was that religious texts have incited more war, hatred and intolerance than anything on that ridiculous list. Stuff like this just seems to further prove the point that violence and religion are forever happily married.

If East Chicago can't resolve this whole dilemma, maybe they should call in Kanye West. I mean, he and Jesus go walking together on the regular. He may be the only one who can talk Jesus off the side of the tree. If you have any better ideas, let me know. In the meantime, you can read more about this phenomenon here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/11/AR2005071101182.html

Think For Yourselves, and Let Others Enjoy the Privilege To Do So, Too

The title of today's post is a quote by Voltaire, and it perfectly expresses how I feel about censorship and the oppression of ideas. Human Events Online is the website for a conservative weekly newspaper that enjoys a relatively large circulation, despite the fact that it's produced by right-wing morons. These geniuses recently put together a panel of conservative "scholars" (their word, not mine) to decide which 10 books written in the 19th and 20th centuries were most "harmful". I'm not even going to try to discern what they might mean by "harmful", but their selections do interest me, nonetheless. There is a distinct pattern that emerges when reading this list. It seems as if anything that encourages free thinking has been villified. Besides the Top Ten, they also listed quite a few honorable mentions. Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex, Freud's Introduction to Psychoanalysis, and a couple of Charles Darwin's books are all pretty damn dangerous (but not as dangerous as Karl Marx). That's actually Simone's picture I posted...she's a real hottie compared to just about anyone else on the list. Visit this site and make the shit your summer reading list: http://www.humaneventsonline.com/article.php?id=7591

I part with a quote by Freud: "What progress are we making? In the Middle Ages they would have burned me. Now they are content with burning my books."

Writing is A Socially Acceptable Form of Schizophrenia

I hate to admit it, but I've changed my schizophrenic mind about featuring an mp3 blog every week. I've been thinking that it might be more rewarding if I just link you to some of the best mp3s that are available each week. In my experience, most blogs are inconsistent in terms of the number and quality of their posts. Hopefully this route will lead you more directly to the music you want to hear. My suggestion is to jump on these tracks right away if you're interested, as most blogs only host mp3s for a very limited time.

Razorblade Runner posted a chillin' summer jam: "Stay Fly" by Three 6 Mafia feat. Eightball and MJG and Young Buck. I'm not even much of a Mafia fan, but this song is simply bluntastic. The link to Razorblade is to the right.

Ear Fuzz is featuring "Save Their Souls" by Hamilton Bohannon, sampled in Jay-Z's song "Cashmere Thoughts":http://www.earfuzz.com/ Another one of his tracks, "Getting to the Other Side" is also available. If you are interested in learning more about Bohannon, here is a link to one of many websites about him: http://www.discomuseum.com/HamiltonBohannon.html.

Silence Is a Rhythm, Too has a couple of tracks from Missy Elliott's new Cookbook LP: http://siart.blogspot.com/

Before I go, there's one more link I definitely need to post. Lemon Life is another great blog that I visit whenever I have time to do some reading. Ms. Lemon is fantastic---her writing is thought-provoking, intelligent and insightful. I owe her much respect because she's provided me with a great deal of encouragement since I started Souled On. One afternoon I was feeling sort of homicidal towards my blog...I truly contemplated just deleting the whole thing. That same day, Ms. Lemon left me an encouraging comment, assuring me that my blog didn't suck. Indirectly, she saved my little blog's life. Isn't that precious? And absolutely true. So none of us would be here without her! Give her some love: http://lemonlife2005.blogspot.com/.

I'm Your Chief, Your Leader, Your President--- Bitch

So now that I've attempted my subversive plot to humanize my readership, my mind has been free to wander back into the realm of the intriguingly absurd. This led me directly to my man, Alex Chiu. This unparalleled genius has invented an Immortality Device, and made it possible for you to purchase everlasting life right off the internet. For those of you who are wondering if that's Mr. Chiu's picture I posted, no----that's 50 Cent, you dumbass. Anyway, I still can't quite figure out exactly how this whole things works scientifically. His theory is based on some shit about magnets, electric currents and blood circulation. Hell no, I didn't read the whole thing, and you shouldn't either. This dude is just eerie. After about 7 1/2 minutes on his site, I felt like he was eating my brain. Anyway, if you're interested in buying this device, your money is completely refundable within 90 days. I'm not sure how you know if your Immortality Device is in working order or not within that time frame, but I guess if you're dumb enough to believe this crap, it just might make sense to you. If you have any concerns about what life will be like in the future, Chiu can explain that, too. Yes, he's also blessed with the gift of prophetic wisdom. When his invention becomes accessible worldwide, things are going to get pretty fuckin' weird. No one will need to have children, because if you don't grow old, you never have to birth something just so it will be around to take care of you when you're old. At the very least, you can keep partying for like 400 years, and then settle down and have a kid. He also envisions other weird stuff like robots doing all of the farming in the future, inside of giant skyscrapers. Does this sound utopian to you? Are you ready to go see this yet? Okay, but don't blame me if you end up paying $105 for some Eternal Life Foot Braces: http://www.alexchiu.com/

So, what does 50 Cent have to do with anything? First of all, if you haven't seen Stewie on Family Guy dissing 50's grammar skills, you should really check it out here: http://www.dailyhaha.com/_vids/Stewievs50cent.htm

Secondly, Dominic Tocci did an animated parody of 50's song and video for "P.I.M.P", starring none other than George W. Bush. I don't want to spoil it by giving away too much. Just don't sleep on this one: http://www.kizash.com/films/1001/138/

Imagine

I sat down at my computer today to ramble on about something witty or sarcastic, but it just didn't feel the way it usually does. I am very taken right now by what happened in London this morning. Don't get me wrong---no matter how difficult life becomes, I never want to stop laughing. It's a necessary part of our survival at this time that we don't think about the horrific shit that's happening on this planet every waking hour. But just for today, instead of taking a minute or two to check out a link, take a moment of silence instead. Think about all the innocent people who have died as a result of the hatred, corruption, selfishness, greed and misunderstanding that is destroying our world today. None of us can truly feel safe anymore. We need to have peace on this earth for the sake of all humanity. We can't simply imagine the world being a better place...we have to live it ourselves. Just for the hell of it, perform a random act of kindness when the right opportunity presents itself--it's good for the soul. How can I get you to be "souled on" this idea?

Be safe and well----I promise to be back in just a minute with something to lift us up again...

Star Wars Gangsta Rap

Lately, I have unintentionally been running across parallels between hip hop and the Star Wars saga. I'm starting to think that there's some deeper, hidden meaning behind this, but I haven't figured out what the hell it is yet. My second post on this blog featured a link to a video with Darth Vader kickin' ass on the wheels of steel. Today, I'm blessing you with a link to Star Wars Gangsta Rap Special Edition: http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/gangsta_rap_se. The experince is definitely worth the few minutes it will take you to view the film. I don't care if you think rap is dead and Luke Skywalker is gay---watch it anyway. Trust me. You may not realize it now, but you really haven't lived until you've seen and heard Yoda as an MC.

On a much different note, have you always thought that when you were born, you fell out of an apple tree? Well now there's unscientific proof to the contrary. It appears that there are a multitude of different trees that one can fall from---it all depends on the month and day of your birth. Better yet, the type of tree you fell from can explain a whole lot about your personality. This is some seriously baseless psychobabble, but I am intrigued by this whole concept because my tree inexplicably matches my personality rather well. I'm not too into self-disclosure (note the complete and utter lack of info contained in my blogger profile), but I'll tell you this much--- I'm 100% lime tree. Get back to your own roots by clicking here: http://gowally.com/fun/tree.htm#

Jesus, That's Some Good Weed

In honor of Independence Day, I thought it might be nice to discuss something we aren't free to do in America---get high. In preparation for today's post, I checked out Wiktionary's list of slang terms for marijuana(http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Wiktionary_Appendix:Cannabis_Slang). Of course, there were the usual suspects---herb, weed, pot, grass, Mary Jane, ganja, etc. Then, there were those I've never heard of, and with any luck, I never will again. Have you ever heard cannabis referred to as Bob Hope, Old Toby, Paul Zurawski or lamb's bread? Me neither. What the hell?

Anyway, as groovy as Old Toby makes you feel, it's going to be a while before Christian conservatives let us smoke the shit freely. I know that Montell Williams, High Times and Phish fans are really pushing petitions to get the stuff legalized, but on the other side of the fence there's Jerry Falwell, George W. Bush and your grandparents. However, there's an article on Neon Joint that may score a point for the hippies. The article asserts that there is evidence that the oil Jesus and his disciples used for healing and annointing the sick contained a derivative of the cannabis plant. To be honest, the article is quite lengthy, and I was too baked to read the whole thing. I'm only kidding really---I didn't even inhale. I just read enough to know that their bottom line is that persecuting Christians for smoking Bob Hope is downright anti-Christ! Is it really such a stretch? We always knew that people back then got stoned all the time (for stuff like theft and adultery). Check the article and form your own conclusions: http://www.neonjoint.com/articles/jesus.html. No matter what you think of this whole thing, you'll have to agree that it will be a disaster if Michael Jackson gets wind of this research. Next thing you know, he'll be trying to save the children by toking on Jesus Joints with them. If this pro-Paul Zurawski slant on the facts is too biased for you, the BBC also did an article about in 2003: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/2633187.stm.

So this Fourth of July, you'll have to drink lots of Budweiser and Wild Turkey instead of chillin' with Mary Jane. Beat up your wife, drive a car into a tree and make a complete ass out of yourself. Be a real red-blooded American---not one of those sissy pothead hippie types!

Giving Peter An Air of Prickitude

If you haven't at least gone through puberty yet, please go away, because today's discussion is about genitals, and therefore is of an adult nature. In fact, ridiculously stupid adults, dwarves and people who have Gary Coleman disease should probably leave too, just to be on the safe side.

Okay---now that I'm alone with my mature readers (ha), I can talk about why every man should have at least one dickoration. What is a dickoration, you ask? A dickoration is a cutesy little paperdoll cut-out that you can use to make your penis the fashion plate it has always longed to be. That's right. When your manhood is feelin' funky in a James Brown kind of way, you can dress him (or her?) in a fancy little cape. If your penis has a low self-esteem, try increasing its confidence by strapping on a paper heavyweight belt. You'll have great fun pretending your pee-pee is Mike Tyson. Just beware---if you tend to use your penis for thinking purposes, impersonating Tyson may somewhat slow its reaction time. I mean damn---he just isn't the brainiac he used to be. The generous people at Durex are offering free downloads, testimonials, a store and every other fashion accessory your dick keeps nagging you to buy. Let your penis envy no more! Check out what satisfied customers have to say about this ingenious product. As one jackass puts it, "When I wear my penis cape, I totally feel like my penis can fly wherever it wants to". Yeah...that pretty much says it all. I 've done a little research on the history of this phenomenon, but that will be another post for another day. For now, you're probably just about mortified enough....http://www.durexdickorations.com/

Desperate for Some Saulitude?

If you haven't already heard the mixtape Real Niggery, Vol. 1 by Saul Williams, do yourself a huge favor and download it here: http://catchdubs.com/old/2005_06_01_index.html. I don't have time to go into detail right now about why this man is my absolute hero, but he is undoubtedly one of the most enlightened human beings walking the earth today. I first encountered him when he starred in the movie Slam, and I've been hooked ever since. If you are impressed by what you hear, be sure to tell your friends, enemies, neighbors, and even your hostile-ass baby mama (if she'll listen). Besides rapping and acting, Williams is also (and perhaps primarily) an accomplished poet. See his official website here: http://www.saulwilliams.com/

A Promise to Be Free(motion)

I really want to live up to my half-assed promise to feature an mp3 blog every week, so today I'm going to urge you to check out a site called Freemotion (if you haven't already). It's one of the few blogs I visit on a very regular basis, mainly because they offer a wide variety of underground hip hop tracks. I listen to quite a few commercial rap artists, but I'm sure it's evident by now that I have an affinity for the marginalized and the obscure. Unlike a lot of other music blogs, Freemotion stays on the cutting edge musically, while still offering selections for readers more interested in mainstream artists. For freaks like me (and possibly you), their most recent postings have featured Emanon, DJ Z-Trip, Slug & Murs, A.G. (produced by Madlib's brother Oh No), C-Rayz Walz and MF Doom with the Gorillaz. For those who'd rather listen to someone scoring a little higher on Soundscan, there have been some Beastie Boys and Gwen Stefani remixes lately as well. And for the hip hop elders who haven't heard anything they've liked since Gang Starr, there are some Guru tracks that you just might be feelin'. There are frequent updates on the site, so keep checking until you find your new favorite artist/song: http://www.freemotionhiphop.com/index.htm

Fear of a Wack Planet

Have you been feeling isolated lately because you can't talk to anyone about your paralyzing fear of shins (geniophobia)? Is your peladophobia (fear of bald people) becoming more intense now that your father is 59 and recreating the whole Kojak look? Don't worry too much--there are millions just like you. Fear is an incredibly widespread and generally useful instinct that helps us to sense danger, and prompt a fight or flight reaction in precarious situations. It only becomes intriguing when people become terrified of things that the rest of us find completely harmless. For example, people who have an irrational fear of long words must be totally freaked out by their diagnosis---hippopotomowstrosesquippedaliophobia. As I implied in yesterday's post, many celebrities are nuttier than a fruitcake. I'm sure you can imagine that a lot of them are afraid of some dumb-ass shit. Lyle Lovett is afraid of cows. He was attacked by a bull once, but he's okay with THEM---it's those damn cows that make him quiver. Alfred Hitchcock was ovaphobic, meaning he was scared of eggs. P. Diddy allegedly gets nervous about clowns, but if so, how could he have let Mase be a Bad Boy----twice? Billy Bob Thornton and Christina Ricci may just be tied for having the nicest collection of fears. He is afraid of Komodo dragons, antique silverware and Victorian furniture. She refuses to be around gerbils or houseplants. She also has a debilitating fear that a shark will find its way through the hatch in her swimming pool. I'm serious my friend---this is real shit. I wouldn't lie to you. Find a name for your own irrational fears: http://www.phobiaguide.com/, and get help immediately!